dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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