How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
