the condom got lost in my hair
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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