I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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