just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
