Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
