please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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