Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
