and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
