My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
