she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
