Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
even my farts smell like vagina
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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