I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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