So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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