Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
