in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The adults are the big ones right?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
