I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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