im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
