Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
