Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
