She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I would ride that face into the sunset
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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