Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
