so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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