If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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