If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
