you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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