My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
