She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
