He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
