i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
