just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
