You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
