i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
