I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
