But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
