this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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