Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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