I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
