I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She's the barista slut.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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