How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
