We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
