You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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