I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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