I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
