i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
