To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
