please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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