I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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