Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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