I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
