I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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