i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Congratulations! We have a period
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