my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
